life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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