Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
