I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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