haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
