2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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