Please, let me fuck your mom
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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