How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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