I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
