Don't make out with my wife yet
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you will always have a special place in my vag
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
