i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
