just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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