They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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