If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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