My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
