i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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