When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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