I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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