A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Randomize
