saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
