I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
