what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
