Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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