My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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