For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
