I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
