You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
