drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
