Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
