I feel like abortions should bother me more
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
