Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
