She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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