I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
