I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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