I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
