What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
someone owes me an orgasm
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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