A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
