I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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