True but thats because hes a fetus.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
