we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
