I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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