I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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