I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
