I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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