I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
