Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
