i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
