She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
