glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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