I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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