did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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